Katie cont.
When our daughter was three months old, I told my doctor that I was feeling anxious, and he prescribed a mild medication. I was anxious about it hurting our daughter through my breast milk, and it didn’t seem to change anything too much, so I took the first course and weaned off of it without noticing, either way. A couple of months later, I was still struggling with anxiety and panic attacks from time to time, which usually came when I was settling down for the evening or going to bed. So I sought out counselling. The counsellor dealt strictly with my anxiety, but had no words about it being related to my birth and postpartum experience. I was glad I had tried counselling, but I just couldn’t get her methods to work for me as they were intended to. After that, I thought, “Well. What now?” I thought the only option was to just talk myself out of it. But it wasn’t working.
The anxiety was not constant, but it was frequent. The summer after our daughter’s first birthday, there was one evening when my husband came home from a trip and I had the worst panic attack since my first one, but this time it came with feelings of being trapped and panicked that I should have never gotten married or had a baby (even though I have a wonderful, patient, husband and a healthy, delightful little girl). It felt like I was close to losing control, like the paramedics would have to come and take me away confused, quivering and shifty-eyed. I remembered that I did have self-control, and that God was with me, and that stopped the attack. But I felt so defeated afterwards. A couple of days later, I decided to call Pacific Postpartum Support Society.
I had heard about the society months before I called, but I had wanted to try medication and counselling first. For some reason, I had thought a support group wasn’t as powerful a help as the prior options. But the first time a phone counsellor talked with me, I knew I had found something so helpful. And while professional counselling was an extreme expense for our family, this effective service is so affordable. The counsellor listened to my story and understood it, had even experienced similar things in her own story and worked through them. I finally felt like I could rest a little, like I wasn’t alone, and like I wasn’t crazy. I finally felt a small sense of relief. And when anxiety is your problem, relief is heaven. Relief means you feel like your self again, even if it’s for a short spurt. I purchased the “little purple book” published by the Society, and again found my own story echoed by the testimonies of the women in the book. Again, I felt relief and was assured that I wasn’t going crazy and that this struggle would eventually end. I began to think that joining a support group might be a good idea. I was encouraged and, really, amazed, to find that the groups offer child-minding at each meeting. It was totally accessible.
I have been so relieved by being heard and understood by the leaders and women in the group. And I have been encouraged to hear stories from other women who have faced postpartum anxiety or depression and who have come out stronger for it, largely because of the support they received and the courage they gained. Our daughter is eighteen months old as I write this, and from time to time, I still feel anxious in ways that threaten to unnerve and dishearten me. But I know I have support. And through this support, I am learning the things that are helping me to walk through this, all the way to the end of it. I am no longer alone in the struggle, trying to find my way out all on my own. The phone counselling and the group support offered by PPPSS have been life-giving to me. I am grateful for them and for the reassurance that they continue to offer me along the way.
Katie Cochran
October 22, 2009