My journey with postpartum anxiety disorder began three days after our daughter was born. She was our first child, and my husband and I were excited, and so we thought, ready, for her arrival. Throughout the early stages of my labor, I remember feeling exited and elated. I rejoiced with each early contraction. But then, as all labors do, mine turned a corner, and the pain changed in quality and intensity, and I lost something. As I look back, I think that I lost confidence--even though I was able to deliver our baby just as I had wanted: naturally and without any drugs to help with the pain. I was confident going in and utterly exhausted and in need of lots of helping hands coming out. Our stay at the hospital was refreshing, but very short. We went home the same day our daughter was born, and we were all of a sudden alone with our new baby, without extra hands to bring help or give me extra rest.
When my milk came in, three days later, the changing hormones, my worries about our daughter’s mild jaundice and her lack of appetite, and my exhaustion all combined in the middle of the night to wake me out of sleep into a panic attack. I had no idea what had hit me--my heart felt like it was beating all over my chest, I couldn’t catch my breath, my stomach hurt, my whole body was shaking, and I felt like I was going to faint. My first conclusion was that I was dying! Over time, I began to have more panic attacks (I finally knew what to “name” them) and feelings of being very anxious and afraid, and that doom was setting in. I would startle very easily when resting--a car door would slam, our dog would bark, and my heart would speed up so suddenly and hard that I thought it would beat on out of my chest. The startled feeling would last for minutes and even stay with me through parts of days. The confidence I lost during my labor had not returned, and I found every little task difficult and seemingly impossible, at times. I began to grow irritable about the little things, like loud noises (they startled me!) and messes in the house. And I was so afraid of our daughter getting sick or not eating well, even though she was very healthy and eating fine. I hadn’t expected to feel so terrified as a new mom. And I hadn’t expected my own self to seem so foreign to me. I remember being home with our daughter on a perfectly sunny day and having the whole day ahead of us and just shaking from the inside out with anxiety that seemed aimed at nothing but about everything. I remember thinking, “Now I know why people kill themselves.”
For a more comprehensive look into what factors contribute to postpartum depression/anxiety, look at our Multidimensional Explanation.